Learn.
Everything in life exists for the sole purpose of either teaching you something, or making you use what you’ve learnt. When a situation ends, we start considering the stuff we learnt from it, and come to a sort of acceptance where we can start applying our learning. What’s tougher, though, is to tell your brain to accept and learn from a situation when you’re still in it.
What I’m learning right now, of course is a whole lot of nanoscience, but what I’m truly learning right now is how to maintain peace in situations which can blow my head off. I’m not learning very well, if I be honest, I get so pissed off at the stupidest instances, or even at a whole load of memories, that I cuss and yell in my head, and try to get it out. But there’s no real way of getting it out, you see, because it’s all only inside me. And even if I tear apart quotes, and even if I shut myself off, it’s all always only inside me. When this happens I want to cuss and rant off to my buds. It doesn’t make sense though, because I’ve done it a million times before, and I can do it a million times more and it won’t make a difference. So now every time, I open up my chat, I type shit into it and I end up pressing backspace because it’s just a goddamn loop of everything that’s in my head, that’s inside me and that can only be rubbed off by my own persuasion.
Yet I can see the frustration inside me, the pent-up anger, the lack of acceptance, I can see it reflect in the most trivial conversations, in the most insignificant instances of my current life. In a random conversation with a random person, I will end up starting to discuss how bullshit this covid phase is, and I will start telling them how it was the worst phase of my life, and I will end up ranting off with absolutely no inciting. I don’t enjoy it, I try to change it every day in every conversation, every time I realize. I’ve stopped inserting this topic into conversations, consciously skirting past it. That still doesn’t change the fact that it’s all inside me. And all it needs is a mental trigger, a random thought, an aimless mind.
And so, I’ve asked a few people how they cope. Not with covid, but with everyday life. Because for sure, covid has started all this but as of now, it’s become part of my everyday life. Meditation, sure, that’s an option. I tried meditation one day, it sent me into a state of numbness that was hard to come back from. I don’t know if it was because I was already at the edge, or if meditation made me too still, so still I could hear my thoughts and my past discussing with each other, coming up with new bullshit conversations.
I know when I move beyond this phase of life, it will all be okay. I will be back to happiness, I will not consciously have to remind myself every day to be cautious, and yet to be cordial. But as of now, I don’t have better options. And so as of now, I try to keep my calm, I try to keep a normal face, not too happy, not too sad. It’s not easy to convince my brain to learn as I go through it, to learn to stay calm and centered in the present. To convince my brain, I know I haven’t given you a break, but I’m not able to, you have to understand. I know you need to take rest, you need to recharge, recoup with people who you don’t have to be on edge with all the time, but it’s not possible right now. And so suck it up, and keep moving.
