One of those days

You can always find something dissatisfying in your life. I can, I do.

There are days when life feels like a blessing, I’m grateful for everything that goes right and hopeful about everything that is wrong. Today’s not one of those days, and neither was yesterday, and neither was any day this week. There’s phases where the glaring gaps in my life surface and feel like little missing pieces of my heart. And in the grand scheme of things, the gaps in my life are ridiculously insignificant, but some days it’s hard to convince myself of that fact.

As an adult, there’s a lot of things you can cry about. You can start at one problem in your life and keep unravelling the threads till you’re sitting in a huge mess of every problem you’ve been facing or avoiding since you’ve started adulting. There’s times it feels like the only way to live life is ignorance. Because let’s be real, ignorance is bliss. When you ignore the million things you have to do, from something as little as cleaning your table to things as pertinent as realizing your personality flaws and working on fixing them, when you ignore these insane amount of things you alone can work on, well, it’s a little easier to get by every day.

As an avid learner of psychology, I rationalize every thought in my head and strongly believe that every emotion can be controlled. So for all the times I feel lonely when I’ve been alone for a long time, and for all the times I see happy couples or families, and for all the times I’m craving human company and end up making mistakes in that desperation, for all those times I apply psychology. And my belief that I control my emotions, not the other way round. And so every time I make another mistake, I scold myself and I try to never repeat it, and every time I feel lonely I tell myself it’s not a big deal, I need to learn how to survive alone, I cannot depend on other people. I tell myself that people are volatile, as I am too, and anyone could any day disappear for good and I would have to live beyond them. And yet the longer I live without people, the stronger and scarier the desperation becomes, and with all my fighting that desperation, I’m at best keeping it stagnated, neither worsening nor improving, yet.